Cullen Wife Swap!
by tiffno
Summary: Jasper and Emmett sign Esme up for Wife Swap and she meets the crazy Pattinsons!  Rated T just in case.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys! So, here's what's going on. Those of you, who know me already, probably know that I already have another Wife Swap story going on. It's about Bella going on Wife Swap instead of Esme. However, I want Esme to go on Wife Swap. So, that's what this is. I'm going to use some of the exact wording as my other story which is called Cullens vs. Parkers. I hope you don't get confused and I hope you like this story. **

**Esme POV**

I walked outside of the house to get the mail as I did every day. Bills, junk mail, ABC New York. Wait, what? Oh, they are so dead!

**Alice POV**

"Uh oh. She got the letter," I told everyone. "And, she is _not_ happy."

"I believe her exact thought was "Oh, they are so dead!"" Edward added smugly.

"Really?" Emmett asked nervously and swallowed.

"I told you guys not to do it," Bella said.

"We thought it would be fun," Jasper defended.

"Is it still going to be fun when Esme is ripping you apart?" Rosalie asked. She was right. Esme is going to yell a lot.

"Get ready for some serious yelling," I whispered exactly one second before she appeared in the house.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" she screamed lividly.

"Uh-we just thought-give a second to-"Emmett stuttered.

"ARE YOU CRAZY? WE CAN'T GO ON A REALITY TV SHOW! WE'LL BE EXPOSED!" she yelled some more. They are in _so much _trouble.

Suddenly, a vision hit me.

_Esme: You know what? I'm going to go on the show. I hope the new mother teaches you both a lesson (looking at Emmett and Jasper)_

_Emmett and Jasper: Yes, mam_

Whoa. She's actually going to go on the show. Edward and I looked at each other in shock. I'm excited! While Esme yelled at my idiot brother and husband, I dreamed of the possibilities. We could do so many things to the new mom. We could prank her so good. I fantasized about all of the things we could do.

**Edward POV**

We're going on Wife Swap. I didn't think Emmett and Jazz's plan would actually work. "We're gonna do it," I mouthed to Bella.

"Really?" she mouthed back and I nodded. The shock was evident on her face. "Wow."

"You know what? I'm going to go on the show. I hope the new mother teaches you both a lesson," she said to Emmett and Jasper.

"Yes, mam," they said at the same time and nodded.

I heard Carlisle pull into the garage and we waited for him to come in to hear his opinion. He walked in the door and Esme said, "Emmett and Jasper signed us up for Wife Swap and I yelled at them, but now I think I want to go." Carlisle just looked at her. You could tell that he wasn't expecting that.

"Okay," he finally agreed. "I guess it wouldn't be too bad. We'll need to set some rules and have Alice make sure you aren't going anywhere that would expose us."

"I already checked. She's going to Portland," Alice informed us.

"Well, there you go," Carlisle said to Esme and smiled. "Wait a second. Don't you have to send in a tape to get on the show?" he asked. Emmett owes me $500 and no jokes about Nessie and Jake dating for a month because we bet that Carlisle or Esme wouldn't remember about the tape.

"Dammit!" Emmett yelled. "I'll get the tape." He put in the DVD and we all sat down to watch it.

"Hi, I'm Carlisle Cullen and I'm a doctor in Forks, Washington," we heard Emmett's voice disguised as Carlisle's. "This is my beautiful wife Esme," the camera focused on Esme. "She loves to cook, clean, and gardening is a hobby that she loves." "Why do you have a camera? And why does your voice sound like that?" Esme asked and the camera shut off. The video switched to Alice and Jasper cuddling on the couch. "This is Alice and Jasper. Alice is our little pixie who loves to shop. Jasper is her boyfriend and loves the Civil War. Don't worry though, we are all adopted." They smiled and waved "hi" to the camera. It cut to Bella and I. I was playing the piano and she was laying down, her head resting of my lap. "Here's Bella and Edward. Edward loves playing the piano as you can see and Bella likes to read. They are dating as well." The camera cut to Rose looking at fashion magazines. "This is Rosalie, but we call her Rose. She is the most beautiful thing in the world and is dating Emmett, who is awesome." There was a picture of Emmett showing his muscles. "I know I'm technically not supposed to have a favorite child, but Emmett is secretly my favorite." The camera went black, and then showed Renesemee and Jacob playing in the back yard. "Here are Renesemee and Jacob. Renesemee is Edward's niece and we are raising her because her parents died in a car accident. Jacob is a close family friend and loves to play with little Nessie." A picture of the entire family showed and we heard Emmett as Carlisle say, "Well, that's our family. We might sound a little bit, crazy but we are very happy and all love each other very much. We hope you enjoyed our video and pick us to be on your show." The video ended.

Emmett was just smiling like an idiot, Jasper and Alice were trying not to laugh, Rose looked disgusted, Jacob and Nessie were looking at everyone's expressions, and Bella was looking at Carlisle and Esme expectantly.

"You certainly put in a lot of work into this Emmett," Carlisle said.

"Well, you gotta do what you gotta do," Emmett said. He was so proud of himself and it was very obvious.

"Well, the letter said the crew will be here on Friday. So, we have two days to make sure we have our story right. Let's have a family meeting," Esme said.

"I helped make the video by the way," Jasper said, insulted that nobody was saying anything to him. Still, nobody did and he pouted.

"I'll go get Nessie and Jake," Bella said and took off.

This was going to be an interesting family meeting.

**Bella POV**

I can't believe we're actually going on Wife Swap. I didn't think Esme would go for it. People can really surprise you.

"Hey Nessie!" I exclaimed when I got to where Ness and Jake were playing in the forest.

"Momma!" she screamed and ran up to me and jumped in my arms.

I smiled and told them, "We're having a family meeting. We're going on Wife Swap."

"Really? Yay! I love that show!" Nessie yelled. I'm glad she was excited about this.

"Vampires on Wife Swap. What next?" I heard Jacob mumble and I laughed.

"Vampires _and _werewolves on Wife Swap," I corrected him.

"Really? I get to be one Wife Swap too?" he asked and I could tell he wasn't expecting that.

"Of course. You live in our house and you're Nessie's best friend. Why wouldn't you be on Wife Swap?"

"Yeah, that's true," he agreed.

We got to the house and sat down at our big table.

"Hey sweetie," Edward said to Nessie.

"Hi daddy," she smiled and hugged him and sat on his lap. She looked 13 but, on a part of her was still a little 4 year old.

"Hi Jake," Edward said to Jake.

"Sup, Eddie-Boy?" Edward growled.

"Okay, let's start," Carlisle said.

"So, I was thinking Jazz and Rose will be twins, Bella will be my sister, Emmett will be Emmett, and Edward and Nessie will obviously be cousins," Alice suggested.

"That works for me," I said. Everyone else agreed and that was our story.

"Now, Ness you need to make sure you don't treat me or Daddy like your parents and from now on, call us Bella and Edward so you can get used to it. Okay?" I told her.

"Okay, Bella," she said to me. It was so weird to have my own daughter calling me by my first name. Now I know how Charlie feels.

~~~Friday~~~

**Bella POV Still**

"Guys the crew will be here in 30 seconds," Alice told us all. Edward and I went downstairs and everyone was already there.

"You kind of interrupted stuff Alice," I complained to her.

"Yeah, I know. I'm actually kind of glad I did because that last part at the end, I can't believe you were going to do that!" she said and she was clearly disgusted.

"Alice, I should tell Bella about the _many _times you have done the exact same thing," Edward defended me.

This conversation took about 30 seconds because we heard the crew pull up. "We need to remember to talk slower," I laughed. Alice walked over to the door at human speed and opened it after somebody knocked.

"Hi! I'm Alice," she said with her usual perk.

"Hello, I'm John and this is Ross, he'll be filming you," he introduced himself and the camera man. Ross waved. "Okay, so right now we're going to have you and the rest of your family come outside and just smile."

"Okay, I'll go get Esme and Carlisle," she said and ran at a human speed to the den. "Guys," she whispered. "I know you're both sad that Esme is going to be gone, but stop…doing that. The Wife Swap people are here." We all tried not to laugh. Esme and Carlisle walked out with Alice and greeted our new guests.

"Hi, Esme I'm John and Ross is our camera man," John introduced himself to our "parents". Ross was staring at Esme and I could tell that Carlisle was trying not to growl.

Ross noticed Carlisle's expression and posture and he stopped looking at Esme and said, "Okay, let's start filming." He explained what we had to do and we went outside of our house and they told us how to line up.

We smiled and smiled and we even smiled some more and John finally said, "That's good. Now, let's go inside and film some interviews. Just tell us the main things that describe you and your personality. Simple enough?" we all nodded. "We'll start with you," he said and pointed to Alice.

"Hi! I'm Alice and I _love _shop. I probably spend around $100,000 a week and a lot of people would think that I'm materialistic and shallow, but honestly I just love to shop! Also, I really love my boyfriend Jasper. Even more than shopping!" she described herself. "Is that good?" she asked them.

"Perfect," John said. "Let's do the rest of the interviews."

"Hey, I'm Emmett and I love to wrestle, play video games, and have sex with my Rosie," he smiled proudly.

"I'm Bella, and I'm engaged to Edward. I love to read, listen to Edward play the piano, and talk with Nessie." I hope that was good.

"I'm Rosalie, but my family calls me Rose. Don't get on my bad side, or I will kick your ass. When you first meet me, you will probably think I'm a bitch, but I'm really not. Just ask my Emmy Bear."

"Hello, I'm Jasper and I have a passion for the Civil War and I love my Alice and would do anything for her," he simply stated.

"I'm Edward and I'm engaged to Bella. She is the love of my life and everything more. I really enjoy playing the piano and composing, as well as hanging out with my niece Renesemee."

"Hey! I'm Renesemee and I love to shop with my family so much. I have a really close relationship with Jake, too."

"Hi, I'm Jake and I was going to be adopted by Carlisle but, I turned 18. I do live with them though and I don't go to college," he laughed. "I really love Ness and she is the coolest person on the planet."

"I'm Dr. Carlisle Cullen and I love my big family and my wife Esme."

"Hi, I'm Esme and my kids are my life. I love my husband and my life. I couldn't ask for anything more," she smiled lovingly.

"Well, I think we have all we need today. We'll be back tomorrow when the new mom gets here and Esme, your plane leaves at 8:00am tomorrow morning for Portland, Oregon," John told us.

"Sounds good," Esme told him. "I will see you tomorrow then."

They left and Esme looked at us sadly. She was going to miss us and we were going to miss her too.

"I don't want to go," Esme said and if she could cry, I knew she would be.

"We're going to miss you too, mom," Edward said and walked over to hug her. She embraced him and they hugged for a long time. We knew she didn't have favorites, but Edward was her first child in this life. Also, he hadn't had a mate for almost a century and they had really bonded. They had a relationship stronger than any parent has ever had with their child. "I love you," he whispered to her.

"I know you do. I love you too," she whispered back.

After that, we all took our turns hugging her and Carlisle hugged her the longest of anyone.

"Esme, we're going to miss you so much. But, it's gonna be fine and it's going to be worth it because you are going to have a huge impact on that family's life," I reassured her.

"Aww, Bella. You are the newest to our family, yet I feel like I've known you for so much longer than I have."

Esme broke the silence by saying, "You guys please don't give the new mom a hard time. Don't play any pranks on her, don't be rude to her, don't ignore her, and please don't scare her."

"Okay," we all agreed.

"Do you promise?" she said sternly. We hesitated and she said, "Just don't act _too _badly. Please? For me?" she was almost begging.

"We won't, don't worry," Edward told her. I noticed he didn't promise anything and I'm sure so did Esme.

Carlisle gave Esme a meaningful look and we all knew what that meant. They ran out of the door into the forest and we sat down in the living room.

"I'm gonna miss Esme so much for these two weeks!" I said.

"Me too! I mean, she's our mom and we don't get to see her for _two week_s," Alice agreed with me.

"Two weeks is way too long," Emmett added.

"We keep saying two weeks," I laughed.

"Well, it _is _two weeks," Alice said.

"Stop saying it!" I said. It was really getting on my nerves. Of course, as soon as I said that, everyone except Edward and Ness started chanting, "Two weeks, two weeks, two weeks, two weeks." I growled.

~~~The Next Day~~~

**Alice POV**

Esme was leaving today. The order in our house was about to leave with her. Don't get me wrong, Carlisle is great but, Esme really is the glue that holds this family together. We are all going to miss her a lot. She is the best mother anybody could ever ask for and we all love her so much.

"Bye Esme. I love you and I'll see you in two weeks. I packed everything you would need down there and more." I gave her one more hug and let other people say their quick goodbyes. We had all already said our longer goodbyes last night.

"Bye Esme. I love you," Bella said and hugged me.

**Esme POV**

"Love you Mom," Edward hugged me and went to put his arm around Bella. I felt like I had lost a part of him when he met Bella. I'm so happy for him though. Edward smiled at me and I knew he heard my thoughts.

"Esme, it's time to go," John said.

"Okay," I said reluctantly.

"Bye Esme! We love you!" they all yelled and waved to her.

"Wait!" Nessie yelled and ran up to me. She hugged me tightly and I hugged her back. "I love you Grandma," she said low enough so the crew wouldn't hear.

"I love you too sweetheart," I said. "I'll miss you!" she told us.

"We'll miss you too!" they said together.

I got in the limo and they waved to me one last time and I waved back. Now, I am officially gone. We all said our goodbyes last night and Carlisle and I said our goodbyes last night as well. I can't believe I won't get to see him for two weeks. And my family too. These we going to be the worst two weeks of my existence.

**Emmett POV**

I am really regretting my decision to sign us up for this dumb show. I'm not going to get to see my mom for two weeks! That is not fair! How could the stupid Wife Swap humans take her away from me? Damn reality tv!

"Emmett, it's gonna be fine. Relax," Edward tried to reassure me. Yeah, not gonna work Eddie-Boy! Suddenly, I was very calm.

"Jasper," I tried to be angry, I just kept getting calmer. "You can stop now, I'm calm." Thankfully, he did. I was starting to think I was going to pass out. Edward laughed. "I miss Esme already," I complained.

"Well, talking about it isn't going to help and it's just going to make the rest of us sad," Bella said.

"I agree with Bella. Let's just not talk about it and get through these two weeks," Rose said.

"Let's think of all the ways we can prank her to take our minds of off Esme," Alice suggested with an evil smile.

"Yeah let's do that!" I said excitedly.

We all looked at each other and I just knew this was going to be totally awesome.

**Did you like it? I hope so, because I put **_**a lot**_** of work into this, but I enjoyed almost every second of it. Haha. This is definitely the longest chapter I have ever written. 9 pages and 3,000 words give or take. Should all of the chapters be this long? Review and tell me if you want the rest of the chapters longer, shorter, or about this long. Also, tell me if you like it or not and I will be very happy! I already have an idea of how this story is gonna go but, I'm not gonna tell you guys yet! You will just have to read and find out. But, reviews make me update faster so, when I get 20 reviews I will post the next chapter which I am going to start working on tonight. Also, I am going to Knotts Berry Farm tomorrow I will stay the night at my grandma's and leave on Saturday. I don't know what time I'm going to leave there so, I may not have any time to write. Sorry about this long author's note and thank you for reading this chapter and this note! Review and I will love you forever.**


	2. I'm Back! (Author's Note)

I'm back! After about a three year hiatus, I'm finally writing again and I can't wait to write some more stories! I wasn't feeling as motivated as I thought I would until I looked at the traffic for my stories…I was still getting views every day! Not as many as I used to, but still a good amount and I couldn't even believe it. The fact that people were still reading my stories despite the fact that they hadn't been updated in years made me want to cry. If you guys are writers, then you know how flattering it is for someone to take the time out of their day to read your little story and it truly warms my heart that I'm still getting views. I'm incredibly flattered and I hope I don't disappoint you lovely people with my new content.

Love, Taylor


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